ASK A SLOB (working title)

OKAY HERE WE GO I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I DECIDED TO DOLE OUT SOME ADVICE TO YOU FREAKZ. AND BOY DID I GET A RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!

LARS FALK ASKS: how do i find the hat that’s right for me?

SLOBLIFE: check out a variety of different places! dude, there is a sick hat store on granville island. i mean, duh, obviously expensive but that place has some NASTY ASS SHIT. like, in a good way. you need a mirror though for sure.

LARS FALK AGAIN: where can i buy fireworks after halloween?

SLOBLIFE: i mean, it’s pretty far out there, but check out this locay

LARS FALK: what are the best gold panning spots in canada?

SLOBLIFE: i have no fucking clue. you lookin to get some grillz? thats hot. or you could do this 

(this dude has serious issues)

LARS FALK: How can i make 300 a week from home?

SLOBLIFE:  You have a backyard? Pony rides. A pony will probably cost a lot of money, but i mean, once you have it, it basically pays for itself.

BEN LABELLE SAYS: Dear Lyndsay, my emotional landscape is like a Japanese garden and I’ve pretty much mastered daily life. any new challenges you can recommend to me?

SLOBLIFE: Get yourself a current copy of Guinness World Records go through the ENTIRE thing and try and beat them all. Personally, I am most interested in largest collection of trolls, loudest burp (male), and most drink cans broken with a whip in three minutes. Let me know if you ever finish, and good luck.

JACK POMERANTZ ASKS: If you catch the bird flu is it okay to eat chicken soup?

SLOB LIFE: If you catch the dog flu, is it okay to eat dogs? NO. comon.

PARTIES INTO POTPOURRI ASKS: Dear Sloblife, do you have any ideas on how to turn the dingy mess from a party (Kokanee cans, cigarette butts and empty bags of doritos) into funky home furnishings? Decorating tips, help!

SLOBLIFE: OMG DUH just leave everything where it is! that is how we decorate over here at slob life. Just one thing, do our friend lars falk a favor and give him one empty dorritos bags to wear as a hat.

RODNEY K: What is the preferred drink to offer guests at a slob life party?

SLOBLIFE: This is what you have to do. Get yourself a bedpan (a clean one! I’m not THAT gross). You will use this as a punch bowl. The punch recipe: Two 40’s of OE, a healthy serving of hot sauce (your choice, i prefer Franks Red hot Chili and Lime), pepperoni sticks, and 5 egg yolks. STIR THAT STUFF UP AND SERVE at room temperature, you can garnish with slices of limes if you want. but it’s a bit fancy.

also get these

I HOPE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ADD A LITTLE DOSE OF SLOB TO YOUR LIFE. I AM HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. LET’S DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

SLOBLIFE HANGOUTS: STRANGE (non) ENCOUNTERS

Here is a sloblife hangout that didn’t actually happen in person. This guy Morgan Tanner adds me to facebook. We’ve never even met! He gets into some deep slob topics: weird family members, regrettable tattoos, fake backstage passes, Stoners, embarrassing Dads, bita joudaki ….. CHECK HIM OUT !

THIS IS IT

MT: i would like to be the subject of a slob life hang out

SL: what kind of stories can you bring to the table?

MT: i can tell stories about growing up in a house of slobs

SL: why were they slobs?

MT: carny uncle, roadie stoner, bluegrass uncle. bluegrass uncle was always stoned and read too many books about aliens and just didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought so he lived slobby style, a bit. Roadie though, he was a slob. He would sit in his room watching much music and drink coolers and smoke roaches and had the grossest porn mags that he would lend me.

 this is when i told him i would just use this transcript as the interview

MT: and he once gave me a fake back stage pass to a slayer concert in 95. you can. it would actually be almost better if we never met. Then you can remain one of the few people i “follow” on the internet but actually don’t know.

SL: yeah that is chill. did you get into the slayer show?

MT: no

SL: what happened?

MT: and all my friends had tickets and they went in.

SL: ohhhhhh booo. did you go there thinking it was real? or did you know it was fake and you were super nervous?

MT: I thought it was real! this was when paul bostoph was playing with them, divine intervention tour.

SL: i don’t know anything about slayer so i can’t comment.

MT: Well that’s not important. anyway, the super skid thing about Jim (roadie stoner) was that he thought it was real too!

SL: so he thought it was real but you still didnt get in?

MT: yep. he worked for perryscope or whatever at the time and had like a blank laminate not really a laminate but one of those fabric sticker things you put on your t shirt and then walk around like you own the place. so he had one of those stickers and he just took a jiffy and wrote: Slayer (and he kinda tried to do it in the slayer logo style font) ALL ACCESS. it was NOT ALL ACCESS! it was no access.

SL: i like that he tried to write it in the slayer logo. that rules hard!

MT: Yeah i wish i had kept it. So i’ve never seen slayer to this day. i would try to get in to the next slayer gig with it. like usually the sticker would get stamped with an official stamp like when i went to the L7, Beastie Boys and Sonic Youth show in ’92 the stickers we got had a “check your head” stamp all proper like on em and we didn’t get laughed at when we flashed those.

SL: oh man, how old were you?

MT: 12. my dad was with me. he would have been 49! holy cow! he thought the beastie boys were sonic youth. we were in the beastie boys dressing room and i can honestly say that AD Rock is the most slobby of the bunch. my dad starts telling the beastie boys how he saw them open up for neil young in 89 (i was not at that show) cause he thinks they are sonic youth who did in fact open for neil young in ’89

SL: DUDE have you seen the video of them partying in their green room? it rules, they totally trash the place. i mean, it is staged, because in the end they get arrested. but still, very cool.

MT: NO! we were in their trailer in ’92, sorta the green room i guess, they had that spinal tap spread with the sliced meats and the little breads.

SL: you have to watch this whole thing! 

MT: hurricane is so skinny! i love that they are listening to the first public enemy LP

SL: they are all like 19

MT: those girls are so hype. this is too much. i love it. MCA is coming with the molester styles. i love how AD Rock throws a whole 6 pack. Beastie boys were not so rowdy when i met them, but they seemed really bored with us and peaced out real quick, they only came and said whats up cause Dave’s dad was the promoter

SL: anyway tell me more about the other uncles

MT: my carny uncle he had tattoos all over one was of his ex and he had it covered up with a shitty eagle. he always told me to never get tattoos

SL: but, you still got some tattoos right?

MT: i got my first tattoo when i was 29

SL: what was it?

MT: it was of my wife’s name. now ex wife. haha. so i followed his advice real close. he also has a tattoo of a scorpion that he got in the carnival. the guy who did it charged him $5. the guy hated pete (my uncle). so he did it really deep and shitty. he made it hurt extra. so he says. so pete ran away from home when he was 15 to join the carnival. he once knew a guy in the chicago who would get drunk off kick-a-poo joy juice.

SL: how do you feel about having a tattoo of an ex wife on you forever? you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to, i’ve been dabbling in tattoo ideas. i even recently got one that said “sloblife” but it was on the inside of my thumb so its gone already!

MT: i saw that. i “follow” Lyndsay Anne Pomerantz on the internets. i’m a “fan”

SL: very cool, didn’t know i had such an internet presence

MT: as for the tattoo i feel like it’s a good thing that lasers exist i had my first blast a couple weeks back. most painful thing ever

SL: oh shit. good to know. do you have any other tattoos?

MT: i’m not sure if you have a presence or if i’m just interested in you so i pay attention and you are down with Bita and she’s a pimp too.

SL: bita is my bitch. we are tight as fuck.

MT: i’m gonna get back to mr [chad] jones as he’s alone in the kitchen with his gin

SL: alright have a tight night

MT: word. i could def elaborate on pete’s slob life too, i didn’t even mention the ferret breeding, false teeth, kung fu or hockey card collecting.

SL: OH SOUNDS GOOD, until next time.

I guess i never did find out if this dude had other tattoos ? Perhaps i will have to do a follow up interview. Uncle Pete sounds like a pretty slobby guy! 

THANKS MORGAN

WEED IS ON TOUR

REPPIN SLOB LIFE SO HARD

SLOB LIFE HANGOUT’s

SLOB LIFE VERSION OF AN INTERVIEW:

WE HAVE ROB AND ALEX: TWO BROS. SLOBS? LET’S SEE!

STONED? ABSOLUTELY! (not me, duh)

PLEASE IGNORE MY VOICE :

Please remember here that i had asked who they thought was a slobby celeb:

You know what? i dont care if these are in order

FAVOURITE BREAKFAST JOINT?

USING AN ONION AS A STRAW !

DINNER IS SERVED. OKONOMIYAKI WITH HP AND MAYONNAISE ! WHAT AN INVENTIOn!

OKAY LET’S GET SERIOUS FELLAS:

CAN YOU RELATE?

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE THE SUBJECT OF A SLOB LIFE HANGOUT CONTACT LYNDSAY POMERANTZ AND THE SLOB LIFE CREW WILL SHOW UP ON YOUR DOORSTEP. (BEGGING FOR BEER AND EATS)

DISPOSABLE SUMMER PART TWO

GOTTA CATCH IT ALL BEFORE IT ENDS.

Image

(( WEED (( BABYSITTER (( HEMOGOBLIN ((

(( WEED (( BABYSITTER (( HEMOGOBLIN ((

WEED AND BABYSITTER ARE GOING ON TOUR!

but first….THEY PLAY @ 151 HASTINGS W/ THEIR FRIENDS HEMOGOBLIN! (they slay so hard dude)

DOORS AT 9 PM—-BANDS AT 10PM

early (ish) show (you can make curfew)

$5$ (you can afford it)

All Ages (you can bring your dad)

OH YEAH between acts dj set by ROB-O and ?SLOBLIFE?

Weed: http://weed.bandcamp.com/

Babysitter: http://babysitter.bandcamp.com/

Hemogoblin: http://hemogoblin.bandcamp.com/

duh you better listen to all these guyz already anyway.

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

 

CHECK OUT THE EVENT ON FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/events/438672162843871/

HOW CAN SOMETHING SO WRONG TASTE SO RIGHT?

I PICKED UP MY AUNT FROM THE AIRPORT AND SHE HAD A LIVE LOBSTER FOR ME. SO OBVS I COOKED IT RIGHT AWAY.